


i don't pray the way i used to

by prettydizzeed



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Homophobia, M/M, Pre-Canon, Religious Conflict
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 05:46:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11373816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettydizzeed/pseuds/prettydizzeed
Summary: "Chirrut…” Don't you see what they do to you? How they strip the dignity from your soul with every creed? Don't you feel your lungs grate together at every kriffing commandment? “They make us say we're brothers.”“That is the people, not the Force. People are scared, and prejudiced, and ignorant. The Force surrounds us, it binds us, it penetrates—”“Kriffing ironic choice of words, don't you think.”





	i don't pray the way i used to

**Author's Note:**

> title is from "Black Light" by Tyler Glenn which I definitely recommend listening to
> 
> I borrowed a theory suggested on tumblr (https://luminousfinn.tumblr.com/post/155172276568/baze-doesnt-start-repeating-chirruts-chant-when) that Chirrut's chant was originally two parts, with one person saying "I am one with the Force and the Force is with me" and the other person responding "The Force is with me and I am one with the Force"

Chirrut was meditating, which didn't help things.

Well, it probably helped Chirrut, because that sort of stuff just seemed to work for him in a way it hadn't for Baze in a long time. Which was why it was hard to watch, lately—seeing him so peaceful, so _surrendered_ , just made Baze astonished all over again that Chirrut could still be so trusting, and sent him into another agony over what was wrong with him that he couldn't be. But now was worse, was the worst possible timing, and Baze couldn't help but wonder why he hadn't expected it. It was just like the Force to fuck with him, with his perfectly rehearsed sentences that were souring unspoken in the back of his mouth.

“I am one with the Force and the Force is with me.”

Chirrut raised an eyebrow when Baze didn't respond. Baze swallowed.

“I need to talk to you.”

Chirrut gestured for him to sit, but didn't move from his meditation position. Baze looked down at his hands, folded between his knees, and took a deep breath.

“I—I can't do this anymore.”

He'd expected it to hurt, he'd prepared himself for it to be an arrow shot directly into his heart, he'd prepared himself for all of his nails to turn to glass and pierce his skin, but kriff, he hadn't been prepared for this, for Chirrut’s head snapping up to look at him faster than lightspeed, for the precise furrow of his brow—nothing he'd imagined, no scenario he'd tortured himself with for the past weeks, could prepare him for actually looking at Chirrut as he said, “I can't be a Guardian right now.”

Chirrut swallowed, and it was like an earthquake.

Then, Chirrut—who always had a retort, whether it was a joke or a biting argument, who had the fastest mind of anyone Baze had ever met or heard of, faster even than his reflexes—Chirrut just sat there, with his mouth set.

When he finally spoke, it was the arrow Baze had expected, and it was on fire. “You know that's incorrect. ‘Right now.’ You know you can't return, and you've made up your mind that you won't.”

Baze’s teeth were thorns, cutting his tongue as he said it: “You're right. I won't.”

Chirrut nodded. “I could feel it, you know. The Force shifted around you. I just thought… I hoped you'd change your mind.”

“I can't.”

“Bantha shit.” Chirrut’s tone was sharp, but his face was pleading. Baze forced himself not to close his eyes, to look at the destruction he was wreaking.

“Chirrut…” _Don't you see what they do to you? How they strip the dignity from your soul with every creed? Don't you feel your lungs grate together at every kriffing commandment?_ “They make us say we're brothers.”

“That is the people, not the Force.” His voice was crystalline, hard and beautiful and dangerous. “People are scared, and prejudiced, and ignorant. The Force surrounds us, it binds us, it penetrates—”

“Kriffing ironic choice of words, don't you think.”

Which was harsh, he knew, but so was Chirrut quoting scripture at him like they hadn't recited it side by side for years, careful that not even their knees touched. “I don't even want to be associated with people like that anymore, much less bound to them. I don't want to have a deep, unbreakable connection with people who say I'm sub-sentient. Who say _you_ are.”

“Ignoring the connection doesn't make it go away.”

“Well maybe I just don't want to be reminded of it every hour!”

Chirrut stilled, more motionless than even when he meditated. “And do I remind you of it, all these things you wish to forget?”

“No.” Chirrut raised an eyebrow, and it was so familiar Baze almost cried. “Yes, but… you make me want to remember. There are times when you make me want to believe.”

“My faith cannot return yours to you, Baze.”

“I know. You'll just have to believe enough for both of us.”

*

Chirrut had nodded. _I'll need time._

And Baze had said _yes, I understand, I trust you to find me._

He had left, then. Before he was even to the doorway of the room, Chirrut was meditating again.

_I am one with the Force and the Force is with me._

_I am one with the Force and the Force is with me._

Baze pressed his lips together and kept walking.

**Author's Note:**

> there seems to be a general fandom consensus that like, There Is No Homophobia In Space, which ofc i totally support and love. but I was thinking about how some Star Wars creators (and I've heard it included George Lucas but I couldn't find any sources if someone wants to send me info) have said that "homosexuality doesn't exist in the Star Wars universe" and what it would be like if that were a statement characters heard growing up from politicians, faith leaders, etc. combine that with the rogue one novelization (full disclosure i haven't read it yet) referring to Chirrut and Baze as "brothers," and you get this fic


End file.
